Thoughtful Tuesday: Prayer Changes Everything

Prayer.  It does change everything.

Forgiveness is difficult. And I am not even talking huge, can't even fathom, life altering instances where forgiveness may be darn near impossible.

I am talking every day. I am talking being ignored or pushed aside when you need a boost. I am talking those times when someone makes you feel so tiny and insignificant. Or when your feelings are hurt. Maybe the times when a person makes a snide comment or remark that just toasts your grits. Maybe it is the times that a person says nothing at all when you really just want them to acknowledge your existence.

Our preacher spoke about this on Sunday. Forgiving. Jesus died on the cross to forgive our ULTIMATE sins. Yet, it is our human nature to hold onto every little time a person has wronged us. Like I said, I am not even talking those huge, life altering instances. You know, those instances like being NAILED to a cross? Jesus still forgave us. He forgives us every. single. day.

Each time we don't give Him the time we should, He forgives us. Each time we push Him aside instead of reaching up when we need a boost, He forgives us.  Each time we feel tiny and insignificant, and are wrapped up in our own humanly tribulations instead of laying our worries at His feet... We are forgiven.

All we have to do is pray. Ask. Simply toss it up and say, "Hey God, I am human down here and I am sorry.  I know I should give you more time/glory/honor/praise and I really screwed up today. Please help me to carry out your message and be a steward of your kindness." And guess what? HE FORGIVES US.

Why is it so hard to extend that grace to others in our lives? I will be the first to admit that I struggle with that. I laid in the bedroom floor just last night and thought about this person who I often struggle with forgiving all the little things. How she sometimes makes me feel so small and insignificant, discarded while something (anything) better comes along until she needs me once again.

Why not just pray? Pray for our relationship. Pray that God help me to do whatever it is I need to do to strengthen this relationship? Pray He changes ME, not her?

I don't know... Like most other matters out there, this is easier said than done. But it can't hurt, right?

Rainy Days

It has been raining for two days straight. Literally. It's affecting my mood y'all.

We have some pretty big changes on the horizon. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. Things we've been praying frequently and whole-heartedly for are all starting to come to fruition. It's amazing to see God's hands at work.

In the midst of all of this, I'm a little sad by the behaviors of some of those closest to us. What should be such a joyful time for us gets dampened by the negative Nancy attitudes of others. It's so silly to let that affect my happiness, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and always have.

I will never understand choosing to miss out, purposefully ignoring, consciously being hateful to your loved ones. Especially in a time of joy. But I know that bitterness and jealousy are pushing the behaviors. I also know that one day, those behaviors will be regretted. However, when is enough enough?

I am excited to share the changes as they happen... So much to be thankful for.

Until then, anyone have any boxes? ;-)

Thoughtful Tuesday: Jeremiah

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:11-14

I have struggled today.... And this verse keeps swirling around my head. I feel myself becoming upset, angry, frustrated - and suddenly, I would start repeating these words. Comfort and peace would come.

 I am in a time right now of "growing pains" as my sweet friend so affectionately called them. Growing pains are never fun, especially when your ability to provide/livelihood comes into play.

However, just this morning I was telling my Mom that I can see God really moving in my life right now, specifically in my work. I can see His hand opening up doors that I weren't sure were possible. I had faith this morning - and someone else's actions and remarks should not shake that! He was faithful this morning, and He is faithful NOW.

Source: flickr.com via Claire on Pinterest

Change

I don't even remember the last time I posted... Or what it was about. I am sure many things have happened since then, but I am in a fog.

I am tired. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Change scares me. I want to run and hide under the covers and never poke my head out. Albeit that would be awesome, I don't think it is feasible.

Thankfully, I have a wonderfully supportive husband beside me. I don't know what I would do without him.

My feelings have been really hurt recently, and I just do not deal well with that. I can handle someone making me mad. But feeling hurt - well, that, for whatever reason, is so hard for me to process.

I feel like so much is going on, so much is potentially changing, but nothing is happening. It is SO weird. To see life move in front of you - but to feel like you are stuck and standing still?

I am sure God is tired of hearing my voice! I know He is in control. I know this is a test of patience. Of faith. I am SO blessed that in the grand scheme of life, things could be so much different than they are now.

I just am not GOOD with change, ya know? Or not having a "plan." I think that is the problem here. I like to be in control - but when you are waiting for a few pieces of the puzzle to fall into place, there is no control.

That my friends, is why I am just not good with change.

Source: redletterwords.com via Claire on Pinterest

Delighting in the Lord

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

What exactly does it mean to delight yourself in the Lord? Is it to praise His righteous name, even in the times when you want to cry out and question? Is it to be a walking, talking example of the Christian faith - even when you make a mistake? Is it sharing in the joys of our Christian faith, in any way you can?

I am struggling to live and believe this verse each day. To delight myself in Him, through ALL things. To consistently be a beacon of light to those who may be wondering in the dark. To speak in a way that when someone hears, they just know that I am radiating God's love to the world.

I believe that the Lord will give me the desires of my heart - and He knows what those are - in His timing. But am I doing enough? Am I delighting enough? Am I sharing enough?

Salad Days

Source: shop.cleverginger.com via Claire on Pinterest

"...My salad days, / When I was green in judgment, cold in blood..."

~William Shakespeare

 "Salad Days" typically refers to a "youthful" time in a persons life, the heyday of their youth or the peak of their abilities.

You see, I feel like right now, I am smack dab in the middle of some of my best "salad days." Justin and I are young, newlyweds (btw - how long can you hold on to that title?), no kids. We both have great jobs with income - and nothing to spend it on but ourselves. We can go and do without batting an eye. If we get a wild hair, we jump on it.

In 2012, we kicked off our year on a cruise in the Bahamas. In April, we made a road trip to Florida and spent four GLORIOUS days at Disney World fulfilling perhaps the biggest wish on my Baby Bucket List. In May/June we trekked back to Florida for a week at the beach. We spent a few days at Osage Beach in August, and spent a long weekend in St. Louis in September for our anniversary. We made it to two Cardinals games (one which we literally had about 4 hours notice, took the tickets and made a FLYING trip to STL) and to the Fox Theater twice. We spent a few days in Dallas, TX at the end of September. It was, as we like to say, the Poleys "Year of Fun."

In between all the traveling, we ate a lot of good food, saw some good movies, and shopped - a lot. We bought a new vehicle (thank you Jesus) since both of ours were holding out since college.  I made some changes to our home, and we eventually put it on the market. We paid off a lot of debt. And anytime we decided to go and do, whether it was a vacation or just to the movies, the only thing we had to worry about was making sure we were off work and Oreo could stay with my parents.

And we never, ever went without something we needed - rarely going without anything we wanted (within reason, of course). When you have a family of two, there is a lot of room in the budget for fun.

I can't help but look back and think how amazingly blessed we are. What a year. I mean, seriously - it was amazing to be able to see and experience so much together.

Entering 2013, I kept thinking about what this year is going to bring. And while I LOVED the past year we experienced, I hope 2013 is not as full - at least, in a material way. Because we don't want to be just a family of two anymore, with no one else to spend our money on. We don't want to not have to think twice about up and leaving when we get a wild hair, because we are just a family of two..... And I just don't know how easy that is going to be for us.

We sat down and had a long conversation because we finally had some serious interest on our house. The home we are looking to purchase is significantly more than what our mortgage is now. It is a balancing act for sure. Would we rather come home each evening to a place that felt peaceful, serene and sheltered - or go on a cruise and to the beach and replace my old, decrepit car? But what if we buy this home only to find out that we will have to pay thousands of dollars to have a baby? Because if anyone else out there has tried selling a house in this market - when you finally get an offer, it is asinine to wait for something better to come along!

I just don't know. So many unanswered questions. But what I do know is this. Our salad days of 2012 have the potential of looking much, much different than our salad days of 2013. Because I am praying, that the days of 2013 become filled with deciding which paint color the bathroom should be or where we should place our furniture instead of which bikinis I should pack for the beach.  I am praying that our days of 2013 are filled with appointments to see our growing baby instead of weekends dashing from one mall or ballgame to the next.

I am so grateful at what this last year has offered. We made so many memories of just the two of us that can never, ever be replaced. No amount of money in the world could change the way we would have spent them. But I have this longing, this desire, for our days to slowly change into something else.

And please, feel free to remind me - when I am 90 months pregnant one day, trying to move into a new house in the middle of a sweltering summer heatwave OR massive winter snow storm, that I asked for this :) 

Thoughtful Tuesday.... Can we choose who we love?

Source: danoah.com via Claire on Pinterest

I was searching for a quote or saying or verse that had recently touched me. Trying to come up with some amazing Thoughtful Tuesday piece since I have been noticeably absent. Then I came across the link to Dan Pearce over at Single Dad Laughing and this post he published today entitled Anything Other Than Straight.

What he says touched me to the core. His words are prolific. His thoughts - so honest and raw.

I have always held a firm belief that we, as humans, as Christians - don't always have a choice in WHO we love. It happens.... In my work, I see it all the time. How someone can be abused, degraded, berated yet still come in and sit down and tell me, with tears streaming down their face, "But, I love him."

I am in NO way, shape or form comparing being gay to being abused. But what I am saying, is that sometimes, our hearts have ways our minds don't understand.

I do not think being gay is a choice, any more than I had a choice as to what color eyes I was born with.

Please, read his post. Understand what he is saying, begging from the rest of "us" in this world.

THE PERFECT VICTIM

THE PERFECT VICTIM: Watch Trailer

While in law school, I had the opportunity to work on the Clemency Project to help battered women who were in prison for killing their husbands before their husbands killed them.

I will never be able to adequately express what I learned from this work. I will say it has highly influenced the path I have chosen in my career now.

Please watch the trailer to this video - and feel free to ask any questions you may have.

Love Them Anyway

Source: flickr.com via Claire on Pinterest

This means so many things to me right now. So, so many. My heart is just hurting for various reasons.... And I have always been the type of person to internalize everyone else's feelings so that they become mine. To feel like I am a failure if the people I love, help, care for don't succeed.

I do not have a lot of words today. I just have been dwelling on this thought. All we can do, especially as Christ-Followers, is to LOVE one another. Not love with an agenda, love only if you follow my rules, love when you sin the way I sin and not any other way - but pure, simple, love.

When something tragic happens to anyone close to you, it gives you perspective. Hindsight is 20/20. It also sucks. But it also makes you step back and take a look at what you have. The bottom line is, I have the love of my life. As long as I have that, I don't care what else as far as "material" things go. I am so happy and blessed right where I am, that all those little things I think I need/want - don't matter.

It also reminds you who in your life really does care about you and your loved ones. Who takes the time just to check in, if nothing else. To offer condolences or help. My family now is surrounded by so much love, that it makes my heart swell for those who are at their deepest hour of need. They know, without a doubt, they are loved. It also reminds you who in your life is too caught up in something else, whatever it is, for whatever reason, to stop and think, "Oh hey, they might need me today." But to those, what can you do - but love anyway?

Be thankful and grateful for who you have. Every single person. Love them.

Sadness

My heart is so heavy today. I am at a loss for words. I just don't understand.... How or why.

I am also mad. So mad that two children were left without a father. Left with no one to walk her down the aisle, cheer at the volleyball games, see the, graduate high school. Without a father to teach him how to date, throw a football, turkey hunt. A wife who is now without a partner. A wife who now has to be mom and dad all in one.

I'm mad at the people out there who have all of this and want to throw it away. Who just don't care enough to try when they have the chance. Who are too wrapped up in themselves to realize what's right there.

My heart breaks for everyone left behind to wonder what really happend. To question what went wrong. I'm just so, so sad....

Thoughtful Tuesdays

So I decided to give myself some blogging motivation and to also get over this little slump I'm in, I am going to blog something I have decided to call "Thoughtful Tuesdays." Where I find a inspiring, funny or appealing quote and post it, and talk a little about why it called out to me. I may do it every Tuesday or not. It's my blog :) I'm trying not to commit to as much, so we shall see.

Source: lawsofmodernman.tumblr.com via Claire on Pinterest

So here we go.

Sometimes I kind of struggle with this. The whole "this is the thing I think everyone else wants/expects me to do" versus "this is what makes ME happy."

I know there are plenty of "things" we all have to do in life that aren't the most fun or pleasurable. That's life. Plain and simple. But the big "things" - shouldn't those be the ones that make us happy? The ones that we wake up and think, I can't wait to _____?

I tend to be a doormat sometimes. Take on everyone else's problems and issues and forget that it isn't always my responsibility.

I struggle with loving my job. There are SO many good qualities and benefits to it. But on the flip side, it is SO emotionally involved. And emotionally charged. And sad. So, so sad some days. So it is one of those things where, most of the time, it doesn't make me happy. But in so many ways, it is still worth it.

But, I think, in general - this advice is well warranted. It, whatever "it" is, is NOT worth it if you aren't happy. Maybe not happy constantly, but happy at least a majority of the time. I also feel like, when you try and try and try to be happy, but you can't - that isn't a good sign. Something needs to change.

Just my two cents. Chime in if you want. Is anything worth it if it doesn't make you happy?

Love Never Fails

 

Source: inloveandwar.net via Claire on Pinterest

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This was our message yesterday in church. I have to say, when I saw this was our verse for the day, I smiled. This is one of my absolute favorite verses in the Bible. Although Justin & I chose not to have this verse read during our wedding - it still is one that serves as such a reminder to me of what love should really be. I expected the Preacher to give a sermon about love and its beauty and how we all are so blessed by the love of Jesus. I was looking forward to having a "feel-good" sermon that would leave me warm and fuzzy.

However, he took it a little different path than what I expected. And I liked it. A few months ago, Justin and I both read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  I highly, highly recommend it. It really gives you an entirely different perspective about what it means to truly LOVE Jesus with all your heart. As excerpted from the website, "God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts — it's falling in love with God. Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything."

 

It is true. When you are SO wildly in love, you will do anything. As the Preacher described it, when you are that in LOVE, you will drop whatever you have for the other person. You will drive hours to see that person just for a short time, because you cannot bear the thought of being away from one another. (Which, by the way, is why my vehicle has 160,000 miles on it!! Driving back and forth and back and forth from St. Louis to home for years.) You will do anything it takes just for a few minutes.

 

Why aren't we like that with God? Clamoring to just have a few breathless seconds with Him every day? Why doesn't our heart beat uncontrollably and we feel the little butterflies at the thought of spending time with Him? I don't know, honestly. But I want to feel that. I need to feel that. I pray all the time. Literally. I have never been one to only pray once a day. I pray at work before I answer the phone or visit with a client, that God will speak THROUGH me and that I will do His will in whatever I say. I pray that Justin has a good day, a safe day. I thank God constantly for the fact that Justin is His miracle and his body is healed. I pray for a baby and our home to sell. But I need to start taking that time where I just focus on my relationship with God each and every day. Even if it is just a few minutes where I focus on nothing but Him.

 

At the end of the sermon, the Preacher had us all look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and place our name into the verses. So instead of "Love is patient, Love is kind" we instead said "Claire is patient, Claire is kind." 

 

Claire is patient. Claire is kind.

 

Am I? I do believe I am kind. I have the biggest heart. But patience? That is a downfall of mine, for sure!

 

Claire is does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud.

 

Again. It caused me to step back and think. I am probably one of the least boastful and proud people I know - at least in my profession. But what about envy? As we embark on this journey to start a family, I have felt envious of others. Of those who have children and don't appreciate them. Of those who think "oh, I'll just have another baby" without even stopping to look at the repercussions. Of those who get pregnant and think "oh my gosh, WHY did this happen now?" And that is NOT, I repeat NOT, the person I want to be! I want to be happy, joyful, excited for anyone who experiences that blessing.

 

Claire does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs.

 

Do I forgive? Realize that everyone is human, a sinner, and mistakes are made? Let it go? Sometimes I fail at this. I try. But I also sin. I heard some comments made about/towards me by someone that I love. I was upset. Hurt. Even angry. But I made the conscious decision to just let it go. Move on. Keep no record.

Claire does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.

I need to remember this. Cast away the devil and remember to focus on the good.

 

Claire always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Claire never fails.

 

I am a fierce protector of what is good in my life. I have an enormous amount of faith and hope in the good. But am I always a beacon of that hope? Do I fail at shining down God's love on others?

 

 

I definitely have some praying and thinking to do. What do you all think? Be honest with me - where are my downfalls? What should I strive to work on? Am I seeing myself clearly, or do I present as someone completely different? How do you feel when instead of seeing Claire in the blanks, you substitute your name? What about your spouse's name or the name of a significant other? 

Happy With Less

Source: piccsy.com via Claire on Pinterest

I have been struggling lately. Feeling unsettled. Like I should be striving for more. When in reality, I think I just need to be content. We are so unbelievably blessed. No doubts about it.

I think a lot of this stems from the stress of my job. I always feel like I am not doing enough. And honestly, I don't care for conflict. What a career I have picked, right?! So I go home at night and am still worrying about all the files piled up on my desk. Because to me, they aren't just files or clients. They are people. People who have trusted ME with their life, in a way.

Then there is this indescribable want, desire, need - to be parents. To have a baby. OUR baby. Made with our parts. The old fashioned way. Not with test tubes and needles and prodding and anesthesia.  I am trying SO hard to be patient. I am. But then I hear people complaining about having a child. Mad because they have to change their schedule to accommodate their baby. J & I would give ANYTHING to have the luxury of fighting over who gets to change a diaper or rock a newborn or play outside with a toddler in the sprinklers.  Or I see someone who has struggled for years - YEARS - and is finally blessed only to have it all taken away in a second. I read the news and see the story about a mother who beat her toddler with a skillet. And I want to scream. To the world, to anyone who is listening - I don't have that privilege! And it is a privilege. So be happy. Enjoy it. LOVE it.

I read a story last night about adoption. J & I have always said, from the beginning, that one day we would love to adopt a child or children. And then I have this worry. Not about our ability to love the child. Because I think anyone who knows us, who sees us interact with our nieces and nephew and little cousins, KNOWS that we have the ability to love a child that isn't our flesh in the same way as one who was. But would our family? Our friends? Would there be the contact comparing of one child who is biological to one who is not? The "oh SHE/HE acts/looks/sleeps/runs just like her/his daddy" to "oh, they adopted her/him?" I don't know.

Praise God, we have the ability to have biological children, or at least, we planned ahead for that. SO the good Lord willing, it will work one way or another.

But regardless, we are still happy. Content. We love our life just the two (or three, if you count Oreo) of us. We are happy with LESS than what others have.

And, we have so much MORE than some others too. Not in a materialistic way. Although we don't want for anything. We have a beautiful home, two working vehicles (I won't say nice, per say, but they get the job done!), good food on our table, stable and dependable jobs. Good health (PRAISE GOD!). We have a life full of love, laughter, friends. Family who is always, always there. I never go a single day without knowing that there are a handful of people who LOVE me to the ends of this Earth. So many don't have that.

So when I see someone who has the honor of being called Momma or Daddy and doesn't realize what an absolute blessing it is - I cringe. I go home and cry. I cry that this isn't fair.

But God. He has a plan. A wonderful, perfectly timed, plan.

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 

Edited to Add: I don't live in a fantasy world that being a parent will be perfect. I know better. I know their will be times when we are tired, cranky, hungry, sleepy or just want a break.

Love: A Condition

Source: jonathanholmes.me via Claire on Pinterest

This little quote explains so much about me, I do believe.

Jay and I had a very serious and in-depth discussion about just this topic recently on a long drive to a business trip I had to make. (Side note: having a teacher spouse is awesome when you have to make long/boring business trips over the summer!)  (Side note redux: being on a business trip while on a diet that you are SERIOUS about is stressful!) (Side note to the side note: being in a car all day, hungry and tired, does not make for a happy Claire.)

I was feeling down and blue. A large majority of that likely stems from hormones. But whatever. We aren't allowed to say that. It's a rule. DO NOT blame my "feelings" on hormones! I need to be validated and that sure as hell doesn't do it.

Anyway. I get SO caught up sometimes in what everyone else wants, needs, feels. First and foremost, it is a big part of my job. So it is expected. But I also get so wound up in keeping everyone else happy that I forget about myself.

I was trying to explain it to him. How I loved him SO much that I felt responsible for his daily happiness. How, if he was having a bad or "off" day I felt solely responsible for it, even when it had nothing to do with me.

And I finally (after literally hours of talking) could verbalize what I was trying to point out. His happiness was MY happiness. And it clicked. Because my happiness is HIS happiness, too.

The thing is though, Jay is much better at compartmentalizing this than I am. While my happiness is essential to his own, he also realizes that my UNhappiness is not ALWAYS a reflection of him.

I can't do that as well. And I also tend to believe that the happiness of a majority of the people closest to me is essential to mine - which isn't true. I tend to blame myself when someone is hateful or spiteful. And don't get me wrong - I sometimes AM to blame. But not always.

And that is when he told me some very, very truthful statements. That I needed to hear. That I didn't want to hear. But were necessary in helping me to realize that if my happiness isn't essential to someone else's, then theirs should not be essential to mine.

I don't need to worry about what someone else thinks. All that matters is what my husband, GOD, and I think about my actions. That is it. And for whomever does not like it - too bad.

I can't rely on others being "happy" to be happy. I need to make my own happy. Frankly, I had a moment of clarity. I was allowing myself to become a victim. To have a victim mentality where I was convinced that every statement, gesture or simply just "being" was a personal attack on ME. Honestly - with most people, that is far from the truth. Because I am pretty sure they don't even CARE enough about me to make something that personal.


So yes. When you love so deeply, the happiness of the one you love so fiercely is essential to your own. BUT - that doesn't define you. People in your life, even your deep loves, are allowed to have bad days. Off days. Even unhappy days. But that does not mean it is a direct reflection on your love, relationship or you.

Small People

Source: unhappy-birthday.tumblr.com via Claire on Pinterest

Yes.

I've been struggling lately with people in my life who I feel enjoy making other feel small, belittled or insignificant. It really is an ugly feeling.

Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a point where the "joking" isn't a joke anymore and it sure is not funny. Bitterness and jealousy are two of the ugliest emotions a person can have. Especially when that person picks one or two people in which to really cast those on.

Being the person that is picked sucks. I will never be able to change this, either. So I think the best way to handle the situation is through distance. Not all the time, but when I am really feeling that someone is doing their best to belittle me.

Being undermined, poked fun at and generally criticized can take a toll on someone's emotional health. Then, you add in the 'mama bear' in me - and I don't even have children! But someone decides to belittle or undermine the person/people I love most - and that is trouble. I will take it for a long time (obviously) but you start messing with my people, and I am DONE.

I especially have issues when someone makes it so obvious they are choosing who to undermine and belittle - and then so obviously chose another to use as their "shield" and excuse for doing so.  That, to me, is mean and spiteful. Despite what some may believe or chose to believe, I have a lot to offer sometimes. Just because I have yet to give you exactly what you have decided makes someone worthy or of value, doesn't mean I am NOT worthy and of value.

There is just no need to be so jealous, angry and bitter that the only way you can find your "happiness" is to make others be unhappy. Plain and simple. So I pray that I am never that person. I pray that I can always look past my struggles, insecurities and own jealousies and instead be the person that makes someone believe they are great.

I just see too much of this. Too many people surrounding themselves with others who make them feel small, ugly, unworthy. And I want to change this! So maybe I just need to start and look within myself. Don't get me wrong - I have a very awesome, EXTREMELY BLESSED, life. I am in awe of what Jesus is doing for me every. single. day. But I am also human - and I have moments where I just let others get the best of me. This is unhealthy behavior. So today, I am going to start changing that! Hopefully, if I start making a conscious effort to make others feel the greatness that they truly are, it will come back around!

Who Makes You Happy?

Source: roseandhudson.tumblr.com via Claire on Pinterest

 I feel like I spend most of my days worried about what every one else thinks of me. I have to deal with my peers, and being a "newbie" attorney - this can be pretty stressful. I am always on edge. Worried about whether I sound like I have ANY sense or whether I sound like a complete jackass.

I worry that people in my life, who I should have an easy relationship with - a good, pleasant, loving relationship - with, don't like me as much as they like others. That I don't do enough. And even when I do go above and beyond, they look at me and say "oh, well, she should have/could have done more."

Unless I am with Justin (and even then I still worry about not falling into the "we have been together forever/newlywed bliss is wearing off rut), I am trying to impress. And people, this just gets exhausting.

I want to spend my days with people who love me for me. Who don't feel the need to berate me, hang up on me, whisper behind my back. Who actually appreciate my strengths, not who say they do to get something out of it - but in actuality, just use my strengths until I am bled dry.

So maybe it's coming. A change. One where I say, "hey, I am not here to impress you - don't like me, move on."  But, let's be honest - it's doubtful.

Until then, I shall focus on those who DO make me happy. My husband, who is my rock, my constant source of inspiration, and the one who I share so many inside jokes, laughs and smiles with. My parents, who love me so much. My nieces and nephews, who can look at me, smile or tell me they love me, and I melt. My sweet, precious Oreo who hides under the kitchen table when it storms, but knows just when to jump in my lap when I am sad. My wonderful friends and extended family, brother and sister (and in-laws) who know just when I need a little boost.

They all make me very, very happy.

To All the Moms

Today was one of those awesome, awe-inspiring days when I felt God speaking directly to me. I do not know why I am surprised - He has done this many times. Yet, each time I hear His voice and His message resonate exactly when I need it, I am taken a little by surprise.

As Justin and I were headed to church this morning, I told him I felt it may be a little emotional for me. Obviously, the focus today was on mothers. And obviously, I am not one, although I long to be. I just felt this tiny wave of sadness because things haven't happened as fast as I want them to.

God reminded me, though, that everything is in His timing. His perfect timing.

The preacher's message today focused on two mothers from the bible. Two mothers who, prayed and longed for a child. Two mothers who turned to God for salvation, but each reacted differently to His answers.

The first was the story of Abraham and Sarah. Sarah was very old - too old to have a child. Yet, God had promised Abraham that he would have a son. The Lord appeared before Abraham along with three men.

Then they said to him, "Where is Sarah your wife?" And he said, "There, in the tent." He said, "I will surely return to you at this time next year, and behold; Sarah your wife will have a son." And Sarah was listening at the tent door, which was behind him. Now, Abraham and Sarah were old,  advanced in age; Sarah was past childbearing years. Sarah laughed to herself, saying, "After I have become old, shall I have the pleasure, my lord being old also?" And the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying 'Shall I indeed bear a child, when I am so old?"" Is anything to difficult for the Lord? ~ Genesis 18:9-14.

Sarah laughed in the face of the Lord. She totally mis-perceived God's abilities.  She giggled behind the tent, and did not hear what the Lord her GOD was telling her. I don't want to be a Sarah. I want to be a Hannah.

Hannah prayed for years to be blessed with a child. The Lord had closed her womb. (1 Samuel 1:5).  She was praying feverishly for a child, and one day was at church praying when Eli saw her talking, seemingly to herself, and accused her of drinking too much. She told him no, she was just praying for the Lord to open her womb, and so Eli blessed her. But - in due time, the Lord remembered her, and she conceived, giving her first son to the Lord to do his will. (1 Samuel 1:12-20).

Hannah praised the Lord. She never gave up. She always believed that the Lord would open her womb and bless her with sweet children.  Hannah prayed a song of Thanksgiving, saying in part:

My heart exults in the Lord; My horn is exalted in the Lord, my moth speaks boldly against my enemies; Because I rejoice in Your salvation. There is no one holy like the Lord,, Indeed, there is no one besides You, nor is there any rock like our God. ~ 1 Samuel 2:1-3

As I sat on the pew today, I felt like God needed me to hear these stories. Our time is coming. We will be blessed. I have faith. I have the faith of Hannah - and I know that God is capable of the completely unimaginable. So I can't wait to see what He has ready for us.

After church, we celebrated with our families. We went over to Justin's grandma's house to spend time with her and his Mom and family. Then we came home and I cooked a big meal for my mom and dad. It was a very nice day filled with family, love and fun.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms, Moms-to-be, praying to be Moms, fur Moms, and the next best thing to Mom (aka - Aunts!). My sweet Sam always says if he can't have his Mom, his Baba is the next best thing!

 

Today, I Choose Happiness

So I am speaking at a Victim's Rights Ceremony at 2:00pm and I haven't even prepared a speech. Instead, I am writing a blog post :) Priorities. I think I am going to wing it. I may jot down a few topic ideas, but the more I speak publicly, the better I get at just going with the flow. And it is good practice for trials - you have to think and speak eloquently on your feet!

I am frustrated today. But I am CHOOSING to be happy. It's hard. I work tirelessly. At my job, at home, in my personal life, on relationships. I know I am stressed. I can always tell because my body always responds physically to stress. I can't sleep on my tummy because I have terrible heartburn and the spot underneath my sternum is sore to the touch. This means the dreaded ulcer is making its way back. I have had numerous ulcers in my lifetime. I think that is something that once you get, it always lingers in the background waiting to strike. I started taking an OTC heartburn relief in the am and pm. Hopefully that will hold things off. I had to check with the family doc first - I am terrified to take anything while we are TTC. (Check out that lingo).

I also overslept big time this morning. As in, turned the alarm off and woke up 30 minutes later in a panic. That typically only happens when I am very tired. I am by no means a morning person, but I rarely oversleep that bad. Usually it is just hitting the snooze a few times!

Stress is no good for my body. I need to be stress free! Not sure what to do about it, really.

This job is making me stressed for sure. It is always something. Everything is an emergency. I feel like most days the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders. I ask for help all the time. I know that I have a lot to learn. I felt horribly guilty for going on vacation. And I feel horribly guilty that I am taking some more time off at the end of May. I don't know why. Everyone else takes their time off when they want to. But I know that no one else can do my job. Period. I am the only attorney here. Which makes me want to puke most days. I had no idea how emotionally and mentally draining OR the kind of pressure that would be. I never take sick or personal days. I think I have missed maybe a day TOTAL besides vacation days from being sick or going with Jay to the doctor. I have toughed it out or stayed home for an hour or so to rest rather than just taking the day off. That is my fault.

But like I said, today, I choose happiness. I have a great family. I am in love with an amazing man. Our life is wonderfully blessed.

We are looking at a new house. We have had lots of people ask about ours (praying it turns into MORE!).

We got to keep our beautiful niece Sophie Saturday night. It is such a glimpse into how Justin will be as a parent. It almost makes me cry when I see how much he loves her (and our other niece and nephew). Because I cannot even imagine how much he will love our own. We had the best time with her. This weekend we will have our other niece and nephew. I am playing "Mom" for the night Friday and taking Ella to her school program. :-) I think Justin has a school trip that day. So I am just going to pick the kids up from school and hang out until Ella's program. I am sure they will want to go eat somewhere afterwards, then they are coming to spend the night with us. It is so different having two older kids compared to keeping a baby. But both are wonderful.

Today, I choose happiness. I have great friends. I am loved. Each day, I feel like I grow closer and closer to my SIL. I can tell her things that I won't tell anyone else, and she doesn't think I am crazy or creepy. She just says it is okay to FEEL whatever I feel.

Today, I choose happiness. I have a job. I have an income. I have a sweet house that we have made a home to come to at night. I have beautiful flowers that Justin and I water and prune every night. Together. I have Oreo. My adorable puppy who loves me unconditionally.

I. am. happy.

Hope

So today Guilana and Bill announced they are expecting through a gestational surrogate. I told Justin last night, when I heard they were going on the Today show, that I just KNEW that was their announcement. I started crying when I watched the clip. I love their show. Especially this past season. Honestly, it has brought back so many emotions, memories and fears. But, in a way I think it has been kind of a healthy release. Sometimes, you push back all those memories you are scared of because it is easier that way. But to watch it somewhat play out on television through other people - it allows you to feel it again but in a different way.

It also reminded me that through God, all things are possible. Here are two people who have done everything "right." Got married, followed the rules. Lived a super healthy and clean lifestyle (much more so than me!) and wanted to bring a baby into this world. They obviously have every resource available to raise a child, and it appears plenty of love and family support. But it didn't work out like they planned. It isn't quite fair, life. Sometimes it throws you a curve ball and you think "what the hell?!" But they still prevailed. Maybe not in the conventional way. Definitely not in a way that is easily available to us common folk. But they are getting their baby.

Maybe, just maybe, it is what I needed to see to know that all things work out in time.

Source: etsy.com via Claire on Pinterest

Opinions

Source: iwastesomuchtime.com via Claire on Pinterest

This is seriously what I felt like today. I have never been one to shy away from expressing my opinions. It probably gets me in trouble sometimes. But believe it or not, I am actually well educated and have smart ideas at times. However, some people don't give a rat's hiney about OTHER PEOPLE'S good ideas because it did not come from them first. Seriously, grow up. I can take a lot of things, but I cannot take someone treating me like I am stupid. That just toasts my grits!