I'm Baaaack

Made it back from vacation and finally settled down. We had such a great relaxing time, for the most part. I hope to upload and edit the photos soon to share. I'm feeling a little unsettled tonight. I can't put my finger on it. Just uneasy and unhappy. I think part of it is knowing I have to go back to work Tuesday. It's sad really, how I start dreading it so early. It's just that I don't realize how stressed I am all the time until I leave it. Then I can breathe again. I decided that while we were on vacation I was going to enjoy it. I didn't take my temperature or chart. I drank alcohol!!! Moderately, but that's still big. I drank caffeine. I enjoyed my husband without worrying I was drinking the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, messing up my already over-sensitive body. It was amazing. For both of us. I finally just relaxed. That rarely happens for me. I'm hoping this feeling tonight will go away..... Maybe I just need to shower and go to bed.

Today, I Choose Happiness

So I am speaking at a Victim's Rights Ceremony at 2:00pm and I haven't even prepared a speech. Instead, I am writing a blog post :) Priorities. I think I am going to wing it. I may jot down a few topic ideas, but the more I speak publicly, the better I get at just going with the flow. And it is good practice for trials - you have to think and speak eloquently on your feet!

I am frustrated today. But I am CHOOSING to be happy. It's hard. I work tirelessly. At my job, at home, in my personal life, on relationships. I know I am stressed. I can always tell because my body always responds physically to stress. I can't sleep on my tummy because I have terrible heartburn and the spot underneath my sternum is sore to the touch. This means the dreaded ulcer is making its way back. I have had numerous ulcers in my lifetime. I think that is something that once you get, it always lingers in the background waiting to strike. I started taking an OTC heartburn relief in the am and pm. Hopefully that will hold things off. I had to check with the family doc first - I am terrified to take anything while we are TTC. (Check out that lingo).

I also overslept big time this morning. As in, turned the alarm off and woke up 30 minutes later in a panic. That typically only happens when I am very tired. I am by no means a morning person, but I rarely oversleep that bad. Usually it is just hitting the snooze a few times!

Stress is no good for my body. I need to be stress free! Not sure what to do about it, really.

This job is making me stressed for sure. It is always something. Everything is an emergency. I feel like most days the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders. I ask for help all the time. I know that I have a lot to learn. I felt horribly guilty for going on vacation. And I feel horribly guilty that I am taking some more time off at the end of May. I don't know why. Everyone else takes their time off when they want to. But I know that no one else can do my job. Period. I am the only attorney here. Which makes me want to puke most days. I had no idea how emotionally and mentally draining OR the kind of pressure that would be. I never take sick or personal days. I think I have missed maybe a day TOTAL besides vacation days from being sick or going with Jay to the doctor. I have toughed it out or stayed home for an hour or so to rest rather than just taking the day off. That is my fault.

But like I said, today, I choose happiness. I have a great family. I am in love with an amazing man. Our life is wonderfully blessed.

We are looking at a new house. We have had lots of people ask about ours (praying it turns into MORE!).

We got to keep our beautiful niece Sophie Saturday night. It is such a glimpse into how Justin will be as a parent. It almost makes me cry when I see how much he loves her (and our other niece and nephew). Because I cannot even imagine how much he will love our own. We had the best time with her. This weekend we will have our other niece and nephew. I am playing "Mom" for the night Friday and taking Ella to her school program. :-) I think Justin has a school trip that day. So I am just going to pick the kids up from school and hang out until Ella's program. I am sure they will want to go eat somewhere afterwards, then they are coming to spend the night with us. It is so different having two older kids compared to keeping a baby. But both are wonderful.

Today, I choose happiness. I have great friends. I am loved. Each day, I feel like I grow closer and closer to my SIL. I can tell her things that I won't tell anyone else, and she doesn't think I am crazy or creepy. She just says it is okay to FEEL whatever I feel.

Today, I choose happiness. I have a job. I have an income. I have a sweet house that we have made a home to come to at night. I have beautiful flowers that Justin and I water and prune every night. Together. I have Oreo. My adorable puppy who loves me unconditionally.

I. am. happy.

Getting My Learning On

Yesterday I had to get up at 5:00am to be on the road to St. Louis by 5:30am. Anyone who knows me understands how difficult this was. I am NOT a morning person by any standards. In fact, I think I would be better off working an evening shift... Or just not working :)

I had a CLE in St. Louis on trying divorce cases. It reminded me a little of first year law school. I walked in, didn't recognize anyone, and set way in the back. It was a very helpful CLE, though. I actually learned quite a lot and got some great case law.

Afterwards, I was so excited to meet up with my two very best friends from law school for lunch. It was so, so nice. I hadn't seen one of them since July and the other since September. We didn't get to chat for too long, but we caught up on the gossip and goings on.



I ran by Trader Joe's and Whole Foods before I left. It was nice to be back in my old stomping grounds for a bit. But I remembered exactly why I am a country girl. City living is not for me!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This is a break from our regularly scheduled programming for a little rant.

What happened to RESPECT? I swear, it has gone down the drain. And that makes me sound like some old fart in a rocking chair pointing their finger and snarling "Kids these days have no respect! They just don't know what it was like...." Apparently I will make a good old fart.

Work has been beyond crazy these past few days. I am exhausted and feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. And hitting my head against a wall, because there are just some issues that I cannot resolve no matter how hard I try.

Plus, I get so frustrated when people USE people. Justin and I both work SO hard to make a living. We both spend a lot of our time doing and giving that isn't paid or compensated. We pay all our bills ourselves, get no outside help, and are working to be debt free as soon as possible. It is just a struggle sometimes when I see others who don't do any (or a lot) of the above and still take, take, take from everyone else. Seriously? If you made the decisions, then you need to be ready for the consequences.

Last night in bed, I was laying there and couldn't sleep. I kept telling Justin I felt so anxious, but I couldn't even pinpoint WHY. That is never a good sign, especially not for me.

Wah, wah, wah. Woe is me.

Highlight of the day: ordered some new clothes for me and the hubs (discount + free shipping, woot) AND bought some jalapeno cheddar cheetos. Bad for the diet and the new clothes. But worth every bite.

Something to Smile About

I'm blogging from the iPad. I really have meant to keep up with this but it's been a crazy busy week to just be Wednesday. I have worked late everyday. I'm exhausted! Maybe I should be called the Divorceinator. I did five divorces and a contested custody hearing yesterday. If you have never had the pleasure (ha) of witnessing or participating in that type of court believe me when I say that's a long morning. To top it off, my boss and supervisor and a consultant from one of our major partners (doing a site visit all the way from New York City) were in the audience. The consultant had never been in court. And it was a hopping morning. But last night since Jay went over to his brothers house I went to hang out with my sis-in-law and friend. They made me laugh. Today I also had court, but thankfully it was a simple continuance hearing. When I returned there was someone waiting for legal and CB (my advocate and the one who makes sure my skirt is never tucked into my pantyhose) and I had to handle that. Which means we didn't eat lunch until 3:30 and no it was not healthy. I'm already falling off the wagon. But I digress.... Anywho my boss kept poking her head in the door saying she needed to look around. Finally my door opened and someone said I had a delivery. In comes 6 roses, and angel and a sweet plaque with a verse. A client sent me a thank you for finally being the one to listen to her story. She had been calling to see if it was delivered because she was so excited to hear my reaction, which is why my boss kept looking in. I cried. I have been struggling with whether I'm making a difference, and this was such a huge reminder - worth more than all the money in thw world. Our God is awesome, working on me through people when I least expect it. Today was one to smile about. Because in the end I came home to my wonderful hubs and sweet doggie, knowing I helped someone.

Refresh

Last week was a terribly crappy week, work-wise. I am struggling to maintain my professionalism in the face of douche-baggery, honestly. I am "this close" to stomping my feet and screaming "I TOOK THE SAME FREAKING BAR YOU DID. AND I PASSED. WITH FLYING COLORS. AAAAAAAND I PASSED LAW SCHOOL. JUST LIKE YOU. ACTUALLY, I HAVE MY MASTERS DEGREE AS WELL. SO KISS OFF." But I am pretty sure that will tank what small reputation I am building. Definitely living in a man's world here. I have never, EVER been the type of woman who blamed their struggles on being a woman. But geeze louise, working in southeast Missouri is like stepping backwards in time about 50 years. I was supposed to head to St. Louis for a Relay For Life convention Friday after work. But after the week I had, I was physically ill. I had a terrible migraine that just would not go away. So the thought of driving three hours was just not working with me. Instead, I went home and complained to my husband. Then we went and got groceries. Which, actually, is relaxing for me. We are dorks, but we love grocery shopping together. I woke up Saturday morning with a headache. Again. I got up around 8:00am to pee, and knew it was going to be a nagging headache. So I went back to bed, thinking maybe I was just exhausted and needed more sleep. Woke back up around 10:00am and got up for good. I quickly realized I needed to break out the prescription meds. So I took one, and Jay and I headed over to help his mom and aunt move offices. I did sweep the floors, but other than that I think I was more moral support. :) I think it was still appreciated, though! Saturday evening we decided to head up to Cape so I could (finally) get my diploma (not sure what else to call it??) from the MO Supreme Court framed, announcing to all who enter my office that yes, Claire Elizabeth Poley is certified as an Attorney and Counselor at Law. Maybe I need to keep a picture on my cell phone and show it to all my colleagues who seem to think otherwise? I love Hobby Lobby, or as I like to say, HobLob. We wondered around and checked out all of their goodies before heading to Olive Garden. Where I enjoyed a large glass of wine. Because I could. Followed it up by TARGET, close to the most wonderful place in the world. Hot date, right? Sometimes that is just what we need, though! Sunday we went to church. Last week we missed because we both felt under the weather, and it felt like our day was just empty. So I was glad to be back. Gave me a refreshed outlook and hopefully will encourage me as I move through this week. Which has great potential to make last week look like unicorns and rainbows. That is pretty much all I've got. Except I decided to start counting calories again today. I really need to get in check. So far today, so good. Hope it lasts. Doubtful there - but sometimes I just need a couple weeks of really thinking about what I eat to get me going again on the right track. I promise to post something interesting soon. But alas, this is my life. Oh - my husband is amazing. He sent me the absolute sweetest email today. I thank God DAILY that he brought me a God-loving man to head our family. Jay has a way of sneaking in and reminding me of our purpose, just when I need it. Today was no different. I printed the email and taped it in my desk drawer so it's always there when I need it. Love him. Gosh, I am blessed!!! Until next time! Claire

Something to Think About

I saw this today on Pinterest and it really resonated with me.

Source: Uploaded by user via Claire on Pinterest

I struggle with the feeling that people, especially some of those who are supposed to be closest to me, using me only when they need something. In fact, it is probably one of my biggest worries/anxieties. I know that by nature, I am a very nurturing, motherly figure. And I am pretty bossy. I don't mind to take charge of a situation. I can say that with my background, I am an empathetic listener. I have training in how to react to situations. So I understand why in some ways.

However, I would like to have relationships with people that didn't always revolve around a need. I get tire of looking down at my phone and the only time a number or text appears is because that person wants something from me. Maybe I just need to practice saying "no" or not answering. But then I would be deemed hateful, rude or spiteful.

Suggestions??

Oh - for those of you who were worried - today I did have a great day in court with a wonderful, sweet client. She was SO empowered afterwards. It was enough to remind me for a good while why I am here. I am so thankful that, when I was up at 4am this morning worrying and praying, God heard my voice and gave me that little push I needed.

Until next time,


Claire

What a day....

Today has been a rather heartbreaking day at work. So much, in fact, that I started crying right along WITH my client. Sometimes I am just so saddened at the choices human beings are making. Choices to harm a person who, at some point, you had to feel a slight connection with. Most choose to harm those they were very close with. And it dumbfounds me, really. And I know that is what makes me "good" at my job - but it is also what makes me struggle each night when I go home. To never leave work at work.

I want to take all these young ones home. But they really aren't that much younger than I am. Which is sometimes pretty funny. Especially when the judge thinks I'm some cute little intern and I awkwardly tell them, nope - I am a real, live attorney. Took that little thing called the bar and everything! Please, check out my student loan bills and it will prove it.

But I am grateful for the opportunity to work. To earn an income. To help support my family (Oreo is getting so costly as he grows up.... I think his Dad and I are going to have a little talk with him about contributing. He just lays on the couch all day.....). [Side note: yes, we are THOSE dog people. Oreo is our child. He is practically human.] So many people do not have the chance to get up and go to work every single day. And, to know I am making a difference. Even when it is small. Or when it's just crying right along with my client, letting them know that yes, my heart does break for their pain. I am nearly certain many other attorneys would be too embarrassed to let their client see they are human. But I am a daughter of a mighty God, and I know He's using me to shape a mighty plan. I am human. I have faults and make mistakes. But I also care so, so deeply.

Whew. That got somewhat deep, didn't it? Whatevs. In other news, I have been absolutely craving a chocolate milkshake for the last two days. Before that it was bananas. So today I finally got my milkshake. I only drank about 1/4 before it I started feeling icky. But I am pretty sure it cured my craving. For that, my husband will be very happy. He was tired of me saying "I just want a chocolate milkshake" about 75 times last night. But I was too lazy to go into town. He offered to make one for me. But I told him that WAS NOT THE SAME. He offered to go into town and get one for me. But I told him I WAS ON A DIET AND DIDN'T NEED IT! He may or may not have looked at me like I had crazy eyes.....

Until tomorrow -

Claire

Update :)

Ok so. I know it has been MONTHS since I posted. But I swear I am going to keep up with it this year. That is a goal of mine. Not a New Year's Resolution. Because I have a deep rooted history at completely failing on those ;-)

I want to keep track of our day-to-day lives this year. Just the boring, mundane details. I feel like everyone moves ninety miles a minute and I forget the little things soon after it happens. I want to never forget how it feels to be a newlywed. And I always want to remember what I felt like as a new, young attorney. Years from now, I will need to know that once I was in some poor young associates position. And take pity. Not to mention, I am praying that big things happen for our family over the course of this year. Guess we will see, huh?

This past weekend, I surprised Justin with a massage. His back has really been bothering him and we are looking for alternative treatments. Really, it was a win-win for me all around. I scored bonus wife points. I made myself an appointment, too. And my husband left being able to move again. The negative: the massage therapist, AFTER telling me I was super tense and needed to relax, and me explaining I have a very high stress job, proceeded to spill her (horribly depressing) life story. It was just like being at work. Awesome. But, my shoulders and neck did feel wonderful afterwards.

I am hoping to blog soon about our wedding and our honeymoon. I am sure someday that I will want to remember all the tiny details.

Until then, I leave you with this quote in honor of MLK day:

Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'

~ MLK, Jr.

Later gators!