Forgiveness.... 30 Things: Day 18

What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I can't really say that I've had to face any huge challenges with forgiveness. I have lived a very blessed life full of kind and loving people.

Of course, there have been plenty of minor occurrences that have needed forgiveness. Both forgiveness of myself, and forgiveness of someone else. I am FAR from perfect. I ask for forgiveness every day of my life. Both of others around me, and of God. So I am careful to throw out that someone has wronged me so I can't (or won't) forgive.

There have been a small number of persons in my life that I have a hard time letting go of some of the comments, thoughtless actions or rude remarks they have made. I think what makes that "the most difficult thing to forgive" is the fact that these particular people tend to re-offend quite frequently.

There is always that one person who will forever remain a thorn in your side. I work daily to let it go. To quit harping on the past and live in the present. But sometimes, there is just something you can't quite forget about.

There is always that one person who, no matter what you do, will always find some fault. The person who makes snide remarks that make you feel about an inch tall. The person who refuses to see you as the good, kind-hearted, loving, spirited person you are - but, instead, a threat. An obstacle to what they really want.

This is the person I find the most difficult time forgiving. The person who uses me for what is convenient and then discards me like a dirty towel as soon as I fulfill whatever commitment they wanted from me. The person who REFUSES to treat me like a human being most of the time, but instead, a pesky fly who won't quit buzzing in their ear.

I can think of one time that someone has truly offended me so that I almost couldn't forgive. The time that, the remarks were so cold hearted, mean spirited and full of contempt that my heart was crushed. I can recall sobbing uncontrollably. Calling my best friend and being unable to really explain how badly I was hurt.

I don't know if I have ever forgiven that, really. Which is very unhealthy, spiritually and emotionally. God calls us to forgive. He forgives ME every day for my sins. So I strive for that. I pray for that. My relationship will never be complete with any person until I can just forgive and realize we are human. We make mistakes.

Each day, I think today is the day. Today is the day I just let it go. Start over. Forgive.

Maybe that will happen today. Or tomorrow. It will happen. God has a plan. He's heard my cries and He's working on me. I just need to open up my heart and listen to Him fully.

Forgiveness

So I have been thinking lately about forgiveness. It is not always easy for me. I tend to wear my heart right out on my shoulder, and when someone hurts me - it is practically devastating. I strive to be so perfect - the perfect wife, perfect lawyer, perfect daughter, perfect friend - that when people do not respond to me in a way I see as nice or genuine, it can paralyze me.

I have been praying off and on about some relationships and general life issues in particular that are really just weighing on my heart. I have SO much to be thankful and grateful for. God has blessed us abundantly. But I can't stop thinking about those people in my life, or the situations I encounter, that are less than perfect.

However, God can't change my heart unless I am open and willing. I think that in order for these relationships to grow, I need to HONESTLY forgive the past wrongs. Even if there has been a list of wrongs. And even if the wrongs keep happening. Some of the relationships and situations are not going to change. Period. So I need to change my heart. I need to forgive, so that I can allow Jesus to help me love - irregardless of what I expect to receive in return.

I know it won't be easy. And I have been trying for a LONG time. But I need to step up my game.

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits."