Positive

I wrote this post weeks ago - before we were ready to share our journey....

So. Thursday, July 11th is a day I will never, ever forget!

I went to get my first HCG test early in the morning. I was a nervous flipping wreck. Justin and I prayed together before I left, for peace and calmness.

I have to share this sidenote: We had prayed for the Lord to fill me/us with a sense of peace with the news, whatever it may be. Not minutes later, I received a text from a dear, sweet friend who had no idea I was going that morning for blood work, with the scripture from John 14:27, which states..

I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.

Now tell me that wasn't God's hand at work RIGHT THEN. How amazing when He answers us so loudly and audibly?

Anyway, off I was for the blood test. I was WAY too chicken to POAS (pee on a stick) so we really had no idea what to expect.  The few days before I had started feeling some symptoms, but I also was (and still am) on injectable hormones. So it was hard to distinguish what was what.

 I was also worried sick because SO many people had made comments like "Oh, I knew the exact NANO SECOND I was pregnant." Yeah right. Most people don't know until they miss a period. Maybe a few days before if they have been trying and are looking for symptoms. That is NOT the comment to make to someone who has gone through such a physically and emotionally trying process such as IVF. Which, by the way, completely screws up your body and your hormones. Most days I can't tell if I am coming or going, much less what is happening deep inside my body!

Needless to say, I was convinced that I a) should have felt "more" pregnant and b) was making up all the symptoms in my head because I wanted it so badly.

By 3:30 that afternoon, we still had not heard from the nurse. I was so nervous I was making myself sick and had to come home form work. I knew the doctors office closed at 4:00. Well, 3:50pm arrives and no phone call. We decided to call ourselves, and it went straight to the answering service! I was SO disappointed and convinced we would have to wait until Friday for answers. We debated going ahead and using a home pregnancy test, and I was starting to actually drift off into a nap when the phone rang.

I almost threw up as I answered and heard the nurse's voice! She immediately said "Did you cheat?!" to which I replied "What do you mean??" I was so nervous and confused, I didn't realize she was asking if we had already taken a home pregnancy test. Um negative! Too chicken over here. When I told her, she exclaimed, "Oh! I almost never get to tell anyone who hasn't cheated! You are pregnant. In fact, you are VERY pregnant!" Normal levels at that point would be expected to be around 100. Mine were 800something! WOW! The nurse was so excited, and went on to say it was either one very strong baby, or a good possibility of more than one, since they did implant two embryos.

We were shocked. I held Justin and cried tears of joy and relief, and thanked God over and over for performing another miracle for us. What a testimony of God's healing powers and miracle works we can share.

We ran to Cape to celebrate by eating at Pasta House - which sounded delicious before we went, but the food tasted AWFUL to me and I gagged in the parking lot. I will take it to be PREGNANT though! We bought my parents a cute book and a bib to give to them that evening. No one knew we were having the blood test that day, so we actually got to surprise them!

I should have gotten a photo - but was too wrapped up. My mom was speechless for the first time in her life. It was a wonderful moment.

Justin's parents and sister were on vacation. We ended up calling them and saying to FaceTime us because we had our kitchen painted (which was true) and wanted to show them. We made a big sign that said "We are PREGNANT" and taped it to one of the cabinet doors. Justin was slowly panning across the room when we heard his mom scream "OH MY GOD IT SAYS WE ARE PREGNANT!" Another wonderful moment!

We could not be happier. We are just overjoyed and so grateful for God's mercy!

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

1 Samuel 1:27

Infertility: Day 2

I wrote this post June 26, 2013.

So.

Of our 13 eggs retrieved, 12 were mature enough to be fertilized and 6 made it through the first day. We will know tomorrow morning if we implant on Day 3 or wait until Day 5.

I'm generally feeling better today. Not as much pressure and discomfort. I'm trying to drink 90+ ounces of water daily, so needless to say that adds to the discomfort. And I do believe I was up at least half a dozen times last night to pee. These little embryos are already dictating my schedule before they are even in my tummy. 

Yesterday I spent most of the day traveling home and resting. I am working from home this week (huge blessing) so that I can truly allow my body the time it needs to heal. Today I went into the office for an hour or so, and spent my day alternating between doing work and resting.

I'm anxious for tomorrow. I just want to know how many babies we have.

Infertility: Retrieval - Day 0

I wrote this post June 24, 2013.

Well friends, today was a big day. We were up and at 'em and at the doctors office by 7:30. We were called right back where they took me into pre-op. I changed into a gown, got comfy in the bed and was hooked up to the monitors. My heart rate was through the roof.

A quick selfie before going in:

The staff was great! I was a nervous wreck about the anesthesia and the IV. The doctor came in to talk with us before the procedure and explained what would happen. Then the anesthesiologist came in. He was not my favorite person people. I have HORRIBLE veins. Horrible. Thank goodness he had the shots of lidocaine. Which hurt like a b by the way. He had to stick me TWICE but finally got an IV started. By the time he was finished I was covered in hives and crying (just a few tears squeaked out). Not long after I kissed Jay and headed to procedure. 

I have only been put under any kind of anesthesia once, when I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 18. I do not do well with the feeling of being out of control of my body, and when he pushed the first round of medicine and I felt myself feel "loopy" I started hyperventilating. Thankfully they calmed me down quickly (or the sweet medicine did) and the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery. I asked Justin probably 100 times how many eggs they retrieved and what the doctor said. Apparently I was also very upset that I "paid $28,000 for these shitty pillows!" Um yeah, not sure where that came from. I was pretty emotional and in some considerable pain, but drifted back off to sleep for another hour or so. When I woke up I drank some juice and felt much better. I was so hungry when we left I demolished a bread bowl from Panera :)

I also, in my very groggy, still under anesthesia induced haze, told Justin to take a picture of me so I could put it on the blog. I was still so medicine-drunk I couldn't lift my head!

I slept all afternoon in our hotel and got up around 6:00 to shower. Justin's mom and sister happened to be in St. Louis today for her birthday, so we met them for a quick dinner. It did me good to get up and out.

I'm feeling better now. We are headed back home tomorrow morning, only to be back soon for the transfer. 13 beautiful eggs were harvested today. I'm praying for a call tomorrow that says 13 beautiful eggs fertilized and are on their way to embryos.

Infertility: 'twas the night before

I wrote this post June 23, 2013 in the middle of our infertility process. I knew that I would want to remember the details and that some day, someone else would be thirsting to hear what it was like to be in this place. 

Retrieval.  Yep, that's right folks. Retrieval! My body responded fairly quickly to pretty low doses of medications!

A week ago Friday I started with 225 units of Follistim. Mondays blood work showed I was already responding well, so they lowered that to 75 units and added 75 units of Menopur (the lowest dose).

By Wednesday, despite a nightmare HOUR it took for them to get maybe 1/8 a vial of blood, my estradiol levels were climbing. This Friday brought an ultrasound which showed 7 follicles on the left ovary and 13 follicles on the right, all at least 13mm! My estradiol level was over 2000. When the nurse called that afternoon she said they wanted me back Saturday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. The tech was great and told me immediately Saturday that I had 2 new follicles and all had grown greatly overnight! The nurse called us fairly quickly and said it was trigger time! My estradiol had soared to over 4000 overnight so all those follicles are ready to make eggs.

The trigger shot was fairly anticlimactic although the timing had to be impeccable. Justin injected it Saturday night at 8:30 exactly. It was a shock since it was IM, but not too painful.

So here we are. A mere 10 hours or so away from retrieval. I'm very uncomfortable at this point and my lower stomach is swollen tremendously. I feel like I already look a few weeks pregnant and clothing is very annoying! I've pretty much been wearing my robe in the hotel room unless we go out. We ended up staying in St. Louis since Friday and won't go home until Tuesday morning. It makes the most sense.

I'm also pretty nervous about the anesthesia. It freaks me out a little. But I know I'm in good hands. This whole process has been ordained by God since the very first appointment.... Really, since three years ago or so.

Here's to lots of eggs who fertilize and make stage 1 blastocysts! We are praying for a safe, quick and fruitful procedure that leaves us with some frozen embryos for future use. I don't think my girls or Justin's boys will let us down.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Infertility: Level Zero

I wrote this blog post on June 14, 2013 as we were right in the middle of the medication for our first IVF cycle. At the time I was uncomfortable sharing. Now I have reached a point in our journey where I feel others can benefit from our story. You can click on the tab at the top of the page for other posts.

We had our first doctor follow-up this past Wednesday to check my hormone levels after starting the Lupron shots.

But let me back-track a little. The last post I wrote was right when we started the injections. At the time I couldn't feel much of a difference physically or emotionally. What a difference a few days make! Geeze!

The shots themselves are going fine. I even got over my anxiety and we had to do two of the shots "on the road." It is hard to completely stop your life so that at 6:45pm (the time my alarm goes off to start prepping the shot) we can complete the injection. So, needless to say, we packed that baby up in a cooler and Justin injected me while I sat in the back of our SUV. Ha. It wasn't ideal but it worked and we were able to go on with our lives.

Monday of this week I really started feeling the side effects. I woke up with a monster headache, but I had court that morning. I stuck around home until right before I had to leave, and came straight back. By the time I got home form court I had a full-fledged migraine. Now, I am used to dealing with migraines. However, before I could take my prescription meds, lay down and be good as new within a couple of hours. This time around - not so much. I am on "pregnancy precautions" in regards to medication and the only medicine for pain I can safely take is TYLENOL. Boo hiss. If anyone has migraines out there, you STRAIGHT UP KNOW that Tylenol isn't doing anything. Ain't nobody got time for that mess.

Needless to say, around 1:00am Tuesday morning it finally let up enough that I could sleep. I slept in and came to work after lunch (well, really went to court) but Tuesday afternoon I still felt pretty crappy.

And then. The hot flashes came. Oh the HUMANITY of a freaking hot flash. I thought I was going to melt from the inside out. I was SO hot and flustered that I could not even remember how to PUMP GAS. Ya'll, I am not even kidding. I had a major malfunction and drove around the gas station approximately 5 times before I could get it together. By that point I was almost in hysterics. By the time I got home, I was in hysterics. And then, OF COURSE, the garage door wouldn't open. Now, that is not a big deal. For goodness sake, Justin was home. But it put me straight over the edge. I was in a full fledged ugly, hysterical, can't breathe, gasping for air cry by the time I called Justin and told him to open the garage. He thought I ran over Oreo. It was not pretty.

I ended up going in and Justin started a shower for me. By the time I got out of the shower I was back to myself, and I laid on the couch the rest of the night.

Since that point, the hot flashes keep on coming and I feel like I have been run over by a dump truck. My head still hurts and I am exhausted.

But hey, things could always be worse! Because the outcome of this will be a beautiful, healthy baby (or two!).

Anywho, back to the doctor appointment. They waste no time. Which is nice. But seriously, I walked in, they sent me around the corner, and the lab tech said "take off your clothes and get in the stirrups." No hey, how are ya, have a nice drive? Ha. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. The ultrasound looked perfect and my ovaries are resting just like they should. Blood work was also great, and my estridol level is basically non-existent. Which explains the whole acting like a maniac thing...

Stay tuned for more tales from the crib. Cript? What was that show? Whatever. I will be back with the rest of our story soon!

Infertility: Here Goes Nothin'

I wrote this blog post on June 5, 2013. At the time, we had just began the injectable medications for IVF. I didn't feel comfortable at the time sharing our journey. You can click on the tab above labeled infertility to see previous posts.

Well. We started the first of the injectable medications two nights ago.

Lupron is first. From what I understand, it will basically throw me into menopause.

Let me start at the beginning though. I was pretty anxious about the shot itself. First, because I have a huge phobia of needles. I panic at the thought of a shot or blood work. Doesn't work so well with the whole infertility thing, does it? Second, I was just unsure of how it would feel, especially being in the belly. I think the whole "unknown" was a large part of the anxiety.

The first night I had everything laid out and ready. Disinfected the counter. Put down paper towels. Got out the medication and syringe and alcohol wipes. We weren't really sure what would work best, so I decided to sit on one of our bar stools and kind of lean back while I held my belly "fat" pinched between my fingers. I numbed the area first with an ice cube. Honestly, not sure it was actually effective. But psychologically it made a difference :) Justin counted down and I closed my eyes and held my breath. He did great! I barely felt the needle at all. The medicine, however, burned going in. For about 30 minutes afterwards I could feel the area around the injection sight burning slightly and it was tender, but that was about it.

Last night's was even easier, I would say. Since I knew what to expect I wasn't nearly as apprehensive or anxious, and by proxy my body was more relaxed. Again, barely felt the needle - just the medication.

I can tell somewhat, even just after two shots, that something is happening with my body. I am having a difficult time sleeping and feel flushed at night. However, with it being this early in the game I am hesitant to say if it is actually the medication or just some nerves. I also am having some serious allergy issues which have me coughing and hacking every breath. So that may contribute!

I will continue to update on this journey. I know someday I will be grateful to be on the "other side" of infertility and need the reminders of how precious this journey was.

Infertility: Stuck in the Middle With You

I wrote this blog entry in April. We had been trying naturally to conceive for about 15 months, to no avail and had met with the reproductive endocrinologist  creating a "plan." At the time I wasn't ready to share my story. By sharing, we hope our story inspires other couples to keep their faith and glorifies the work of our Lord and Savior.

So... We are basically stuck in the middle of this infertility journey. You see, we have "plans" and tests and schedules - tentatively. But right now, it's back to waiting.

I have started the hormones in pill form that I have to be on for at least 6 weeks. So far it's not too bad. I have noticed a few little side affects here and there, but I am sure that if I were on the hormone regularly for a longer period of time those would disappear.

It's kind of a weird sense of limbo we are in. For instance, when people are talking about summer plans - I know what ours are. They are shots and hormones and doctor visits and labs and ultrasounds. But I don't want to say that. I have been itching to do some summer shopping. But I know there's a good chance we will be pregnant!!!!! mid-summer. So it doesn't make sense to buy clothes that won't fit or be comfortable.

I can't really put it into words. Because we have this "date" I think there is a definite sense of excitement that we may be pregnant in June. But how weird is that? When you try naturally, there is always a sense of "oh, this could be the month!" that other people understand and relate to. However, in this case - it is odd to say "oh we're probably going to be pregnant in June." But not any other month. Haha.

I don't really know. I am so anxious to get things moving. I am so nervous about all of the medications and tests. We refuse to believe anything other than this will be successful. But there are so few people who know, and even fewer who actually express any true empathy (besides some really smarty pants comments that I won't discuss), that we are just living in our own little fertility induced bubble.

Infertility: Jumping In

I wrote this blog entry on March 20, 2013. We had been trying naturally to conceive for about 15 months, to no avail. At the time I wasn't ready to share my story. By sharing, we hope our story inspires other couples to keep their faith and glorifies the work of our Lord and Savior.

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” 1 Samuel 1:17

A week ago today, we had our first appointment with the infertility clinic. We are seeing a specialist in St. Louis, which is about a three hour drive from home. Justin was able to go into work for a couple of hours, which meant he only had to have a sub for half the day (his planning period and lunch fell during the time he was gone). That was great, because he is trying to save as many days as possible to carry over until next school year, in hopes that we have a BABY he would need to miss for :)

We arrived a little late and lost, but made it. I was so anxious. We walked into the office, paid (they don't mess around with the money, honey) and were immediately taken to a consult room. We did not wait long at all before a resident came in to speak with us. She was very nice and explained a lot of what the process would be. However, she burst our proverbial baby bubble when she very gently told us we weren't candidates for IUI - but IVF.

I knew deep down in my heart this was probably the case. But there was a large part of BOTH of us that had hoped and wished we could "get by" with IUI. Much less cost, much less invasive, much less hormone treatment. My heart sunk when I heard those words, and I felt sick when she explained the costs....

We had a lull in-between the resident leaving and the doctor coming in. I stared out the window aimlessly while Justin jotted down a list of questions. I was so thankful in that moment to have him there. For whatever reason I could NOT focus or think. I was in a state of shock I believe. Until that moment in time, I hadn't let myself really believe that we would have to undergo an invasive, expensive, timely procedure to get pregnant. I literally sat in that small room and pleaded with God to fill me with a sense of peace. To wrap us both in His presence, and to let us know this was what we were supposed to do.

Well, Dr. Kellar came in and I immediately like her. She went over some of the same things as the resident - then stopped herself and said "Honey, you have a look on your face that tells me you are upset. What can I do?" I just could NOT process what was happening. However, once again - Justin started asking some questions and I finally opened up and took in the process. We went through a timeline of what would have to be done, including some initial bloodwork and a couple of procedures to make sure there are no issues with my uterus. We talked about the medications and the costs and the actual procedures of harvesting the eggs and transplanting the embryos. And I felt it. A sense of calmness and peace. My anxiety settled to a normal level. I knew that He was in control.

Because I was in the perfect day of my cycle, they were able to test all of my hormone levels while I was in the office, along with running a few more blood tests that needed to be done. Yes, that meant bloodwork. I am NOT A FAN of needles (ha! guess I should get over that, huh?). I went with the nurse and immediately warned her - I am a hard stick and don't do well with the blood. Low and behold - my predictions were true. She and another nurse worked for a few minutes and could not get any of my veins to pop up. They decided I was dehydrated. What I LOVED is that they were so nice and patient - and said they would NOT start poking me if they did not know they would hit a vein and be successful. So, I drank about four cups of water and my veins popped a little. They finally had me to lay down and were able to slowly get all the vials of blood. So while it was a process - it was not painful, I did not pass out, and I made it out alive. Point to Claire.

Today the nurse called to let me know all of my bloodwork came back "perfectly normal." PTL. God answered a prayer! I know that we have a much better chance of success if my levels are where they should be. Thank you Jesus for hearing my cry.

So... We are scheduled for the "orientation" which is basically a four hour class on how to do all the injections/hormones/shots and a crash course in the process, along with a couple of other procedures to check on my uterus, in May. If all goes well, we could be pregnant THIS SUMMER.

I know God is in control. He will make everything fall into place. He will align what needs to be aligned. He reigns.

Source: printablescripture.blogspot.com via Claire on Pinterest