Love: A Condition

Source: jonathanholmes.me via Claire on Pinterest

This little quote explains so much about me, I do believe.

Jay and I had a very serious and in-depth discussion about just this topic recently on a long drive to a business trip I had to make. (Side note: having a teacher spouse is awesome when you have to make long/boring business trips over the summer!)  (Side note redux: being on a business trip while on a diet that you are SERIOUS about is stressful!) (Side note to the side note: being in a car all day, hungry and tired, does not make for a happy Claire.)

I was feeling down and blue. A large majority of that likely stems from hormones. But whatever. We aren't allowed to say that. It's a rule. DO NOT blame my "feelings" on hormones! I need to be validated and that sure as hell doesn't do it.

Anyway. I get SO caught up sometimes in what everyone else wants, needs, feels. First and foremost, it is a big part of my job. So it is expected. But I also get so wound up in keeping everyone else happy that I forget about myself.

I was trying to explain it to him. How I loved him SO much that I felt responsible for his daily happiness. How, if he was having a bad or "off" day I felt solely responsible for it, even when it had nothing to do with me.

And I finally (after literally hours of talking) could verbalize what I was trying to point out. His happiness was MY happiness. And it clicked. Because my happiness is HIS happiness, too.

The thing is though, Jay is much better at compartmentalizing this than I am. While my happiness is essential to his own, he also realizes that my UNhappiness is not ALWAYS a reflection of him.

I can't do that as well. And I also tend to believe that the happiness of a majority of the people closest to me is essential to mine - which isn't true. I tend to blame myself when someone is hateful or spiteful. And don't get me wrong - I sometimes AM to blame. But not always.

And that is when he told me some very, very truthful statements. That I needed to hear. That I didn't want to hear. But were necessary in helping me to realize that if my happiness isn't essential to someone else's, then theirs should not be essential to mine.

I don't need to worry about what someone else thinks. All that matters is what my husband, GOD, and I think about my actions. That is it. And for whomever does not like it - too bad.

I can't rely on others being "happy" to be happy. I need to make my own happy. Frankly, I had a moment of clarity. I was allowing myself to become a victim. To have a victim mentality where I was convinced that every statement, gesture or simply just "being" was a personal attack on ME. Honestly - with most people, that is far from the truth. Because I am pretty sure they don't even CARE enough about me to make something that personal.


So yes. When you love so deeply, the happiness of the one you love so fiercely is essential to your own. BUT - that doesn't define you. People in your life, even your deep loves, are allowed to have bad days. Off days. Even unhappy days. But that does not mean it is a direct reflection on your love, relationship or you.

Small People

Source: unhappy-birthday.tumblr.com via Claire on Pinterest

Yes.

I've been struggling lately with people in my life who I feel enjoy making other feel small, belittled or insignificant. It really is an ugly feeling.

Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a point where the "joking" isn't a joke anymore and it sure is not funny. Bitterness and jealousy are two of the ugliest emotions a person can have. Especially when that person picks one or two people in which to really cast those on.

Being the person that is picked sucks. I will never be able to change this, either. So I think the best way to handle the situation is through distance. Not all the time, but when I am really feeling that someone is doing their best to belittle me.

Being undermined, poked fun at and generally criticized can take a toll on someone's emotional health. Then, you add in the 'mama bear' in me - and I don't even have children! But someone decides to belittle or undermine the person/people I love most - and that is trouble. I will take it for a long time (obviously) but you start messing with my people, and I am DONE.

I especially have issues when someone makes it so obvious they are choosing who to undermine and belittle - and then so obviously chose another to use as their "shield" and excuse for doing so.  That, to me, is mean and spiteful. Despite what some may believe or chose to believe, I have a lot to offer sometimes. Just because I have yet to give you exactly what you have decided makes someone worthy or of value, doesn't mean I am NOT worthy and of value.

There is just no need to be so jealous, angry and bitter that the only way you can find your "happiness" is to make others be unhappy. Plain and simple. So I pray that I am never that person. I pray that I can always look past my struggles, insecurities and own jealousies and instead be the person that makes someone believe they are great.

I just see too much of this. Too many people surrounding themselves with others who make them feel small, ugly, unworthy. And I want to change this! So maybe I just need to start and look within myself. Don't get me wrong - I have a very awesome, EXTREMELY BLESSED, life. I am in awe of what Jesus is doing for me every. single. day. But I am also human - and I have moments where I just let others get the best of me. This is unhealthy behavior. So today, I am going to start changing that! Hopefully, if I start making a conscious effort to make others feel the greatness that they truly are, it will come back around!

SUYL: Dining Rooms

I am participating in Kelly's Korner Show Us Your Life: Dining Rooms today!

Our "dining room" is connected to our galley kitchen. It isn't very large, but honestly it is perfectly sized for us.

Before we re-did the house, the dining room had HORRIBLE shag carpet, nasty wallpapered paneling, a ceiling fan, and this terrible half-wall thing with wooden spindles. It. was. terrible.

That being said - the dining room was one of our biggest transformations. We added a pantry on one side, which was much needed. Also, we completely knocked down the half-wall and had our contractor build a wall with an arched opening, and a large square entrance from the kitchen/dining room to the living room. We also put up a new light fixture, sheetrocked AND re-wired the entire room, and painted the walls a deep chocolate brown. Now - it is gorgeous!

SO here is the archway I am referring to. I just LOVE it. I think it adds so much architectural detail to the house. I wish I could find a picture from Christmas - I put a glittery swag over the top, and have a Christmas tree in the dining room so it is peeking out from the arch. Beautiful.

The connoisseur canvas was a clearance find at Target :) The green vase is an antique piece from Justin's grandma.
 

Here is a peek in from the living room. I don't know WHY my dirty socks were laying on the table. The table was a hand-me-down from my sister. SCORE! I love it. LOVE. I think she purchased it at a specialty furniture store when she lived in Florida.

Here is the view from the kitchen. The large antique buffet on the back wall belongs to Justin's grandma. It stores all of our china, napkins, placemats, and some serving pieces.

The red and tan shag rug again - was a Target find. Do you sense a theme?? Hahaha!

So there you have it. Our little dining room! I am pretty happy with it. It is so warm and inviting.