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Wife, doggy-mother, Jesus follower, CANCER FIGHTER! Just enjoying each day as it comes and remembering what is really important - family and GOD.

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Friday, June 29, 2012

Love: A Condition



This little quote explains so much about me, I do believe.

Jay and I had a very serious and in-depth discussion about just this topic recently on a long drive to a business trip I had to make. (Side note: having a teacher spouse is awesome when you have to make long/boring business trips over the summer!)  (Side note redux: being on a business trip while on a diet that you are SERIOUS about is stressful!) (Side note to the side note: being in a car all day, hungry and tired, does not make for a happy Claire.)

I was feeling down and blue. A large majority of that likely stems from hormones. But whatever. We aren't allowed to say that. It's a rule. DO NOT blame my "feelings" on hormones! I need to be validated and that sure as hell doesn't do it.

Anyway. I get SO caught up sometimes in what everyone else wants, needs, feels. First and foremost, it is a big part of my job. So it is expected. But I also get so wound up in keeping everyone else happy that I forget about myself.

I was trying to explain it to him. How I loved him SO much that I felt responsible for his daily happiness. How, if he was having a bad or "off" day I felt solely responsible for it, even when it had nothing to do with me.

And I finally (after literally hours of talking) could verbalize what I was trying to point out. His happiness was MY happiness. And it clicked. Because my happiness is HIS happiness, too.

The thing is though, Jay is much better at compartmentalizing this than I am. While my happiness is essential to his own, he also realizes that my UNhappiness is not ALWAYS a reflection of him.

I can't do that as well. And I also tend to believe that the happiness of a majority of the people closest to me is essential to mine - which isn't true. I tend to blame myself when someone is hateful or spiteful. And don't get me wrong - I sometimes AM to blame. But not always.

And that is when he told me some very, very truthful statements. That I needed to hear. That I didn't want to hear. But were necessary in helping me to realize that if my happiness isn't essential to someone else's, then theirs should not be essential to mine.

I don't need to worry about what someone else thinks. All that matters is what my husband, GOD, and I think about my actions. That is it. And for whomever does not like it - too bad.

I can't rely on others being "happy" to be happy. I need to make my own happy. Frankly, I had a moment of clarity. I was allowing myself to become a victim. To have a victim mentality where I was convinced that every statement, gesture or simply just "being" was a personal attack on ME. Honestly - with most people, that is far from the truth. Because I am pretty sure they don't even CARE enough about me to make something that personal.


So yes. When you love so deeply, the happiness of the one you love so fiercely is essential to your own. BUT - that doesn't define you. People in your life, even your deep loves, are allowed to have bad days. Off days. Even unhappy days. But that does not mean it is a direct reflection on your love, relationship or you.

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