I have been struggling lately. Feeling unsettled. Like I should be striving for more. When in reality, I think I just need to be content. We are so unbelievably blessed. No doubts about it.
I think a lot of this stems from the stress of my job. I always feel like I am not doing enough. And honestly, I don't care for conflict. What a career I have picked, right?! So I go home at night and am still worrying about all the files piled up on my desk. Because to me, they aren't just files or clients. They are people. People who have trusted ME with their life, in a way.
Then there is this indescribable want, desire, need - to be parents. To have a baby. OUR baby. Made with our parts. The old fashioned way. Not with test tubes and needles and prodding and anesthesia. I am trying SO hard to be patient. I am. But then I hear people complaining about having a child. Mad because they have to change their schedule to accommodate their baby. J & I would give ANYTHING to have the luxury of fighting over who gets to change a diaper or rock a newborn or play outside with a toddler in the sprinklers. Or I see someone who has struggled for years - YEARS - and is finally blessed only to have it all taken away in a second. I read the news and see the story about a mother who beat her toddler with a skillet. And I want to scream. To the world, to anyone who is listening - I don't have that privilege! And it is a privilege. So be happy. Enjoy it. LOVE it.
I read a story last night about adoption. J & I have always said, from the beginning, that one day we would love to adopt a child or children. And then I have this worry. Not about our ability to love the child. Because I think anyone who knows us, who sees us interact with our nieces and nephew and little cousins, KNOWS that we have the ability to love a child that isn't our flesh in the same way as one who was. But would our family? Our friends? Would there be the contact comparing of one child who is biological to one who is not? The "oh SHE/HE acts/looks/sleeps/runs just like her/his daddy" to "oh, they adopted her/him?" I don't know.
Praise God, we have the ability to have biological children, or at least, we planned ahead for that. SO the good Lord willing, it will work one way or another.
But regardless, we are still happy. Content. We love our life just the two (or three, if you count Oreo) of us. We are happy with LESS than what others have.
And, we have so much MORE than some others too. Not in a materialistic way. Although we don't want for anything. We have a beautiful home, two working vehicles (I won't say nice, per say, but they get the job done!), good food on our table, stable and dependable jobs. Good health (PRAISE GOD!). We have a life full of love, laughter, friends. Family who is always, always there. I never go a single day without knowing that there are a handful of people who LOVE me to the ends of this Earth. So many don't have that.
So when I see someone who has the honor of being called Momma or Daddy and doesn't realize what an absolute blessing it is - I cringe. I go home and cry. I cry that this isn't fair.
But God. He has a plan. A wonderful, perfectly timed, plan.
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are
plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In
those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me
wholeheartedly, you will find me.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
Edited to Add: I don't live in a fantasy world that being a parent will be perfect. I know better. I know their will be times when we are tired, cranky, hungry, sleepy or just want a break.
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